I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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