proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
