I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize