So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
