I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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