We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
