forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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