I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
