Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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