Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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