he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
