i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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