just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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