everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
