You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
