I just pynch a tree in the face
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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