Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
