She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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