What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize