omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
