these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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