It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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