oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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