so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
