My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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