You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
