Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
