I wish my penis had an off switch
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
