I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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