its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
