My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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