God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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