I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
