I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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