I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
