I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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