We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize