um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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