so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's official drugs can't kill me
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
