he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
