About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
