Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
