i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
