he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
