Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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