my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
