yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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