I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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