I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize