It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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