24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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