chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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