I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
