theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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