It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
