I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
