bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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