i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
