Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
